TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of put. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But yes, absolutely sure, let us have another place where American Gentlemen can don robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: present Everybody a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is Trump Tower Damascus tender electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in each unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should really quit using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from space, a element getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is now attracting consideration from Global investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where by my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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